Hoping for answers

Well it is day 43 with no period in sight. I finally broke down yesterday and called the RE. I went in this morning for bloodwork. They are testing for HCG, E2, LH and Progesterone. Wonder what they are going to find. I am hoping after today I will have some answers to why my body is playing with me. I am really beginning to believe that Terrell is going to be an only child. That makes me so sad. He wants to be a big brother with his whole heart and I know he will be heartbroken if it never happens. Not to mention the DH. He really wants another child too. I hope I get the answers we need today. I will update when I know something.

Agony

I had a huge muscle spasm in my back Saturday while getting ready for work. I did go to work but was in quite a bit of pain. A friend of a friend is a massage therapist and worked on my back for me. I was still not 100% but I felt better. Sunday morning I woke up and was really sore, so sore in fact I had to take something for it. Today I am dying! I still need to go to work but lord knows how I am going to manage. It almost feels worse than when it first started except no spasms. Tony came home for lunch and but ben gay on it for me. The heating pad will be coming to work with me and god help the first person to be an asshole to me today. Oh yeah got my period too but no authorization for another IVF round. Life is good.

hope?

I was out shopping today with my BFF Susan today and ran across a really good deal on tampons. I should have bought 2 boxes but I guess it proves I still have hope or something cause I only got one box. Giant box of 36 for $3.69 that is almost ½ off. I just had a bad feeling that if I bought 2 boxes I would be jinxing myself. I am waiting for AF to arrive and for a new authorization from my insurance company. Hopefully the latter will come first.

Our 4th

We had a really nice day. Friends, family and food what more could you ask for? It did rain off and on throughout the day but had let up just about time for the fireworks. Of course that was not to last and we ended up getting pretty wet. They did a shorter version of the fireworks because of the rain but it was still wonderful as usual. The rain stopped on the way home. I hope you all had a safe and happy holiday.

In other news my other niece who I rarely see is also pregnant. You know this is getting ridiculous now. I am anxiously waiting for AF to come back so we can get things started again.

Why me?

Guess what I have again? Yup 13 days after my last cycle AF is visiting me again. Just in time for my vacation at a water park. Sounds like fun doesn't it?

Enough!

If one more person tells me they are pregnant I am going to scream! Two yes two people felt the need to share that little tidbit of information with me yesterday. A coworker and my niece. My niece actually said to me that if I stopped trying I would most likely get pregnant. She is lucky I did not go through the phone and strangle her. I reminded her that IVF is my only hope of getting pregnant at the moment. Ahh to be 19 and dumb again. I am happy for her and my coworker but it hurts too. I should be pregnant right now. I should be adding to my family, I am the one who is married and desperately trying to have another baby. It isn't fair and it makes me sad. Why not me?

Ouch!

I am doing laundry this morning two doors down at the laundromat. I figure this way I don't need to spend my whole day on it. Friends of ours own it so it is almost like being at home, they even have cool flat screen TV's for the customers to watch with direct tv on it. Well T decided it was a good idea to climb up on the table. He was playing and the next thing you know he lets out a blood curdling scream. He had fallen of the table onto the ceramic tiled floor. His head did not hit but he has a mean looking scrap on his chest and what looks to be a killer bruise on his back. He seems to be fine now but he sure gave me a heart attack.

I went and got the blood work done this morning, damn nurse was digging around in my arm trying to find the vein. Finally had to have someone else come help her. The nurse who always does a great job with my tiny veins. I think next time I will just ask Jill to do it from the get go.

Mommy Brain?

Well it seems like I missed my appointment for blood work at the clinic this morning. They actually called this afternoon to ask me to come in tomorrow. Think it is my subconscious making me forget? I am going in the morning to get poked by the vampires again.

In other happenings we went to the pool at my work today and had a blast. Terrell is turning into quite the little swimmer. Even with repeated sunscreen applications I still have a bit of skin that is burnt. Not all over but in a few spots. We are going back to swim again tomorrow. Guess I need to apply more sunscreen.

Thoughts

I know for me dealing with secondary infertility has been hard. I can only imagine how hard primary infertility is for others. I have been pretty open with everyone in my life about our struggle to give T a sibling. Everyone except my mother in law. When we were trying to get pregnant with Terrell my FIL and SIL both knew but we kept the news from Tony's mom. We have kept the news of our IVF attempt from her too. My in laws are coming to visit in August. What if we need to cycle while they are here? What if Tony is shooting me in the ass with progesterone? I really feel it is my husbands place to tell his mom what is going on but if she asks me I will not lie. When we got pregnant with T I told her and her reaction was well if that is what you want. She has also said several times that we don't need anymore kids. With that said why do people feel the need to tell me if I just relax I will get pregnant. It is the same person over and over again. Apparently she can not grasp that my tubes are blocked and ain't no sperm getting in there. I calmly explain to her over and over that I will never get pregnant without the help of a doctor and lab but I think it just doesn't sink in.

When I got pregnant with Terrell I felt so blessed. I really felt like god was giving me a second chance to be a mom. You see I had a baby when I was 15. It was a little boy I named Brian. He is now 21 years old. Terrell was only my 3rd pregnancy in my life. The second one was a miscarriage. To me it just seems like a really long time with no scares about being pregnant. I wonder sometimes if this is it for me. I wonder if we will ever have another child and I wonder if Tony would really deep down in his heart ever regret not having more kids. I want another baby but at the same time if I did not have another one I think I would be ok. I know it would take time to come to grip with that reality though. How do you know when you are truly done trying?

All Over The Place

I feel like I should post but there really isn't much going on around here. Terrell has his buddy Isaiah here today and they are playing. I should be cleaning the house but instead I sit in front of the computer. Tony is disappointed that another cycle has to go by without any progress. I am upset too. It is freezing here today and vacation is in 12 days. My tomato plants are going and I have a few little tomatoes coming in. So that is all from here.

Update

Well this cycle is a no go. My E2 was 369 way to high to cycle. Once again they wanted to put me on birth control pills and once again I had to remind them of the whole almost died from the pill thing. So we decided it was in my best interest to wait another cycle. I am going to go in on Monday for more blood work because he wants to see if this was truly a CD2 or something else. Though what else it could be is beyond me. So vacation is a go!

CD2

I am waiting to hear back from the lab about this cycle. Hopefully the 3rd time is a charm. If they cancel me again I think I am going to cry. So think good thoughts for me and I will update when I know something.

I am feeling much better after my mental health break. I just really needed to get away from life for a day or two. Terrell and I had a great time, it is so nice to have mommy and son time together. I have had so much stress in my life lately. Last week Tony and I had a huge fight about our diet, I am not even sure why. But it did get bigger than either of us thought it would. I think now maybe he understands how hard all of this is on me. The diet, the doctor appointments, the poking and prodding the being told you are to fat to have a baby. It couple with my full time job and being a Mom just pushed me over the edge a bit. I am back on steady ground now and feeling much better. I am going to try one more round of IVF and then we will see, I am not sure how long I want to be on this roller coaster of infertility. Being a woman though I may change my mind you never know.

Canceled

Well this cycle was canceled and I am not unhappy about it at all. I have 2 big cysts on my left ovary and the doctor wants me to go on birth control pills for a month. Told the nurse no way. I had a clot from the pill and it almost killed me I will not take them ever again. She said she would let the doctor know and get back to me. Why didn't the doctor remember about my blood clot? Does he just not care? I have to find a new clinic I can not cycle here anymore, this is proves my feeling about how I was being treated. STUPID FUCKING DOCTOR! Sorry I am better now.

Upset

My RE's office made me cry today. Damn them to hell for that. I am paying you for a service and I do not want to be treated like a second class citizen just because I am overweight. Fat people get pregnant everyday in this country. I called the clinic this morning to let them know it was CD1, the nurse in the monitoring center was very sweet to me. Asking about are we not doing the weight loss etc. I told her yes I was down 7 pounds and counting. She was great, ordered my meds for me and everything. Then this afternoon I get a called at work on my cell phone from Kathy, she started questioning me saying Dr. H wanted you to have your BMI below 35. I said no he said wait one cycle lose some weight. He never told me I had to loss all of it before the next cycle. Kathy kept saying it is an egg quality issue but that is bullshit, I had good egg quality. In fact one embryo was excellent quality. I just feel like I am being pushed aside because I am over weight. Why? Don't over weight people go through IVF? In fact IVF made me gain weight. I am to through with this clinic, I feel like I am just being pushed about. I will be talking to someone and letting them know how I feel tomorrow. I have also contacted another clinic for a second opinion and if this cycle does not work I will not be cycling with them again. I am holding out no hope this cycle because I do not believe these people are going to aggressively treat me. I have cried to many times at work today and they should not have the power to upset me this way. Sis thank you for letting me vent today and helping me figure out what I am going to say to these people tomorrow. I love you!

WTF!

I have my period! I know it is supposed to be a good thing but it is way early. I just had it about 2 weeks ago. 16 days to be exact, now the issue is do we cycle now or wait until my next visit from AF? I am trying to get ahold of my dear hubby you would think since he has not one but 2 cell phones he would actually answer one of them but you would be wrong! UGH MEN! I need his input on this cause my meds are going to be expensive. What to do, What to do.

We have planned our summer vacation, we are going to sesame place in Pennsylvania. It seems like it will be alot of fun, we are staying at a Best Western in Mount Holly NJ. Love that employee discount! Going the last week of June and I can not wait! I need to get away!

Hubby is finally on the phone, I am calling the clinic in just a minute to get this show on the road. I hope the clinic lets us cycle and does not make us wait until May.

Hi ho hi ho

Off to RE meeting. I will update when I get back.

Cameras

I found a little photo album last night from when Terrell was just 6 months old. All the pictures in it were from my 35mm camera. I love how awesome some of the pictures are and have decided I am going to buy some film and start using my 35mm as well as my digital camera. Some of the best pictures I have are the ones you think will turn out the worst. Can't wait to start taking pictures again. Oh and if anyone cares AF showed up this morning so it is CD1.

Update

This is Val's Sister. She just phoned me to let me know what is going on and asked me to update you all. She had 3 eggs retrieved this morning. They had to give her a little extra anesthesia because, even semi-knocked out, she was in pain. There was also more blood than what is usual and she had to have 2 stitches in her cervix. She is home and sore, but oh so hopeful. The support you all have shown her has just made her day. Thank you all so much!

I Outted Myself

This morning while at the clinic waiting for my blood work to be done a few women in the waiting room started talking. They were all sharing stories about TTC and wishing each other luck. It was really sweet, next thing you know I was telling them about blogging and what a great support it is for me. A few of the women had no idea what the hell blogging was but some of the others said they read some blogs. I did not tell the women my blog site because for some reason them knowing my inner most secrets feels weird. Yes I know I share them with the whole internet but somehow that is different. Anyway I just thought it was cool the way they were all talking this morning, usually the waiting room is so silent, it was nice to hear something positive in there for a change.