Momma Drama

I made a decision not to write a letter to my mother. I have decided that I really don't care to open myself up to that kind of rejection again. My sister will pass along any medical information she may receive so what is the point? It will be better for my mental well being and for my families general well being. you know the old saying if momma ain't happy nobody is happy. Yeah well that has been my house the last few weekends so I have made a decision that will make us all happy. This concludes the Momma drama for me.

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My sister did an online search for our mother the other day while under the influence of ambien. Without going into the whole sordid back story my mother left when I was 6 and Sis was 2 in fact I may have still been 5. She left us without a backward glance and it was many years and a search using her social security # before I had contact with her again. At that point I was the "bad child" and I believe not wanted in either household, so I ran away and kept running time after time. I tried drugs, I sold my body, I had a child I gave up for adoption, I was beaten by my step mother badly. I was raised by alcholics. Mothers are supposed to care for and protect their children, mine didn't. She is a coward and a bitch. I feel I need to tell her this, So I think at some point this weekend I will sit down and tell her how my life was hell for many years. I believe alot of it started when she turned her back on her children one day in 1976 and it got worse for many many years but I also want her to know that in spite of that I made something of my self and I am a better mother than she could have ever hoped to be because of the crap and bullshit I have waded through my whole life. The only thing I want or need from her is a complete medical history after that she is dead to me, hell right now she is dead to me for the most part.

For some reason I m extra bitchy tonight. Not sure why but people are irritating the hell out of me. If one more person tells me to cheer up I am going to cheerfully rip there head off. That is all.

Great Changes

You know I did not think about this before my sister said it but this year has been a year of great changes. First Terrell went to kindergarten, Jayden was born and now we are buying a house. Wow we have been busy.

We are set to do our walk through on Monday and close Tuesday morning. We are pleasantly surprised that our closing costs are lower than we thought they would be. Good for us because now we can afford to do things like buy groceries and diapers. I really need to get on the ball with the packing. I guess it will seem more real to me once we have closed.

Another post coming tomorrow as it will be Jayden's first birthday.

Shades of gray

One day last week I was looking in the mirror when I saw it. I could not believe it. In fact I did not want to believe it. It seems at the age of 38 I have my first gray hair. I was so convinced it was blond and not gray that I found my tweezers and plucked it out to look at it closer. Than I plucked out a regular hair to compare, yup it was definitely gray. My friend Lisa just told me that I have a bunch of grays in the back of my head too but if I can't see them they don't count. I will have to get some hair color the next time I am in Target.

Small update

Wow It feels like I have not blogged in forever. Just living life nothing exciting is going on around here. Well except for Tony's back window of his car shattering yesterday on his way home. Did I mention that my babies were in the backseat at the time? No one was hurt but Tony and Jayden were both shook up. Tbone on the other hand said it was no big deal.

We went to a birthday party this past Saturday at Bonkers. T had a blast except for when he lost me. I was very proud of him though. They made us move from the party area and I thought he saw where we were moving to. Turns out I was wrong, he could not find me and got scared BUT he did what Mom has always told him to do. He found a grownup who worked there and told her he had lost his Mom. As they were walking over to the main desk he saw me. He was mad but boy was Mom proud. See he really does listen to me sometimes.

Jayden is growing by leaps and bounds too. He can now climb onto a small chair. He is getting into a biting stage though and I do not know what to do. He bit me twice over the weekend. When you say NO loudly and with force he laughs. Ask my sister she has heard it. He is too little for the bite back thing to work and I have no ideas on what to try to stop the biting. BTW we are not breastfeeding, he bit my leg and my face.

Terrell will be 6 in 2 weeks and he is very excited to have a party. He keeps talking about tech decks too. Guess we are gonna have to buy some of those for him. He is doing great in school but we are having some minor problems at home with listening. I am sure it is just normal 6 year old boy crap.

I am doing good, Zoloft seems to be kicking in cause when DH tried to pick a fight this weekend I let it roll off my back. Work sucks right now though and I wish I didn't need to work. UGH oh well what can you do?

I had such a migraine yesterday that all I did was lay around on the couch until DH got home. Once he was home I took two pain pills and went to bed. I slept a lot and felt a bit better when he brought the baby to me at 9:30pm. Jayden was up off and on all night but it wasn't so bad since I had gotten so much sleep before hand. I am feeling better today and am hoping to be able to take the kids outside today. I need to make dinner today too. Maybe clean a little. We shall see.

Getting Out

Tony and I talked a bit yesterday about how I really need to get out of the house. I NEED a few hours away from my lovely children. I love them but for the love of god they can be trying at times. I talked to Susan this morning and told her we need to go out soon. As in very soon, sometime this week if possible. Even Tony said we will find the money and worry about other stuff later. I am glad he sees that I need to get away. I have spent everyday for the last month with the boys and I need to get away and rediscover Valerie. I am hopeful we will get out this week.