Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Dad
My Dad is going to die. Not today or tomorrow or even a month from now but it is going to happen. Most likely sometime this year. I am having a hard time processing that. My step mother was pulled aside by their Doctor yesterday and told to prepare herself. My sister called me and told me, I was in Stop and Shop at the time and to be honest I almost started to cry right there. I had to get off the phone immediately. The thing is I know his time is short and yet it has been weeks since I called him. Weeks people. Something is holding me back, it is like I don't feel a connection to him. When we do talk we have nothing to say. I mean how much can you talk about the weather? We never talk about anything important, if I was to ask about my Mom or talk about how bad my childhood was he would just close up. He is going to be gone and no one will have the answers I or my sister need to have. I just don't know why I can't pick up the phone and call, is it that I really have not forgiven him for the past? Is it the fact that we were estranged for so long that I don't really feel like I have a parent? How sad is that? I have no parents that really care about me. I mean I know my Dad loves me but sometimes I wonder if he cares or even knows how to care? Tell me why am I having such a hard time making myself pick up that phone?
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8 comments:
Childhood wounds are truly like no other. Be gentle with yourself.
I agree. Go easy on yourself. You feel what you feel and you cant change that.
I feel he avoids all those unpleasant things because he feel very guilty about it. He just does not know how to deal with it. The funny thing is, if he were to acknowledge the past, if he were to share how bad he feels about it, it would help us so much.
I am preparing myself for never knowing the answers to those burning questions but I think that I will try to get him to talk. Maybe knowing he is getting close were make him want to open up.
I think you may be right though. You may not have forgiven him all.
I know how you and Zephra feel. Childhood wounds run very deep. I don't think I'll ever get answers from my father either. I've kind of resigned myself to that. Don't be so hard on yourself.
Hugs to you and your sister!
I am sorry you are dealing with this. You have a lot of wounds that just got opened up again. Be kind to yourself. Take care.
Hmmmm this is a tough one. The best advice I have is do what feels right for YOU. No one else but YOU. do not worry about making things easier for him because he's sick, take care of you and yours. Big hugs sweetie. I can't imagine being in your shoes. I am sad for all of your turmoil though.
Sounds hard. I wish I had some advice to offer, but all I can offer are hugs. Hang in there.
it is hard but sometimes you have to take care of yourself first. you're busy taking care of your own kids and giving them a better life; give yourself permission to do what you can and let go of the rest.
I understand not knowing how to talk to your dad. I went for over 3 years without a single word to mine. Even now, I see him almost every day, but we don't talk. I have always felt that he's disappointed in me for some reason. I don't know what it is, but I feel it.
I hope that you are able to come to some kind of peace, whether that means picking up the phone or not.
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