Tuesday, January 27, 2009
My Dad is going to die. Not today or tomorrow or even a month from now but it is going to happen. Most likely sometime this year. I am having a hard time processing that. My step mother was pulled aside by their Doctor yesterday and told to prepare herself. My sister called me and told me, I was in Stop and Shop at the time and to be honest I almost started to cry right there. I had to get off the phone immediately. The thing is I know his time is short and yet it has been weeks since I called him. Weeks people. Something is holding me back, it is like I don't feel a connection to him. When we do talk we have nothing to say. I mean how much can you talk about the weather? We never talk about anything important, if I was to ask about my Mom or talk about how bad my childhood was he would just close up. He is going to be gone and no one will have the answers I or my sister need to have. I just don't know why I can't pick up the phone and call, is it that I really have not forgiven him for the past? Is it the fact that we were estranged for so long that I don't really feel like I have a parent? How sad is that? I have no parents that really care about me. I mean I know my Dad loves me but sometimes I wonder if he cares or even knows how to care? Tell me why am I having such a hard time making myself pick up that phone?