Wednesday, April 23, 2008

The Talk

The husband and I finally had a very long hard talk yesterday after T went to school. I called him and basically said you need to tell me what the hell is going on in your life because I can not take it anymore. I once again explained how he is hurting me and how I will not put up with it. I reminded him the kind of home I grew up in and that I would not allow my boys to grow up like that. I cried, he cried, I yelled, he listened, we talked. I mean really talked. He agrees that he has a problem, he does not think he is an alcoholic but you know what fine you don't have to think it just get help. He has agreed that he has been drinking way to much lately. I told him I know when you are drinking even when I am at work. After 10 years I can tell. He pretty much admitted every since we got the positive back on the pregnancy test he has been slowly freaking out. Even though this baby was very much planned for it put him into a tailspin. You were right Sis something else was going on. He told me how scared he is about having 2 kids and whether or not he is going to be able to care for them etc. I talked to him about how I need his support and how I feel like I am in the pregnancy all alone. I talked about how he has hurt me and how it has made my love for him lessen. He cried then, he said he loves me and his kids with all his heart and that he knew he was hurting me but did not know how to stop. He now knows I mean business, I told him in no uncertain terms I will not live with an alcoholic and if he chooses drinking over his family than so be it. My husband knows I will leave because I did once before in the beginning of our marriage. Yes it would be hard but I would do anything in my power to save my children from a life like I had growing up. Hey sis you were right about the incident at the park too, he totally did that to set me off, he admitted it. Jane asked if he knew about this blog, the answer is no he has no idea and I plan to keep it that way. We are going to find someone to talk to and we are going to work on our marriage. I would hate to throw 10 years out the window without a fight so I will fight for this marriage but with that being said I am still making back up plans to leave if I need too. Thank you all for your kind words and advice it means alot to me that people care.


Lainey-Paney said...

I just emailed your sister to check on you. But, your post answered my questions. I've been thinking abuot you & praying for you guys.
Hang in there.
Good luck.
And I think that counseling will be a great thing! Lord knows we went to counseling when the sh*t hit the fan around here, and it helped a lot. Marriage is still hard...but it at least got us out of a really ugly place.

Janes Insane said...

What a very nice surprise. It seems most people will complain, yet do nothing. I commend you for talking with him about this & while he doesn't admit to being an alcoholic, as long as you're going to a counselor, he will eventually come to the realization that he is one. I think the advice someone gave about going to AlAnon may still prove helpful to you.
Men truly have the weight of the world on their shoulders & despite the fact that we can carry 1/2 the load, they still feel it's their responsibility. If your family became homeless, he would be the one people who scoff at first. So I can understand why he was trying to escape.
Problem is, alcohol/verbal abuse is his escape mechanism. Good thing is, counseling will most likely help him find other ways to de-stress.
My best to you & your family.

Delenn said...

I am so sorry you are going through this. Being pregnant and worrying about whether he will actually seek the help he obviously needs...that is a huge burden.

I am glad you had the talk and are seeking counseling--but you are right in making sure to have a back up plan to leave--you need to protect yourself and the kids.

Please take care!

Sarah said...

sounds like a really good talk and a step in the right direction. i wish you all the strength to get through this.

Jen said...

Wow! I take a few days off from reading blogs and all hell breaks loose!

I'm glad you had a talk with him and that you are making progress. What a lot to deal with only weeks before the baby comes.

Hopefully counseling does some good, but you should consider going to individual counseling yourself in addition to couples therapy. I was in therapy for a while a few years back and it made a huge difference in my life.

I hope that you find some peace in the days to come. Keep us posted on how everything is going.

Anonymous said...

AlAnon! That's what it's called, thank you. I couldn't remember. Anyway - sometimes I think people who don't have a problem with alcohol in their lives should attend a meeting or two, because it focuses on LIFE STRATEGIES and being EMPOWERED to be the best person you can be. Since alcohol is currently an issue/topic/ingredient in your life, it probably wouldn't be a bad idea just to 1) learn some strategies and 2) understand that others feel the same way.

I would also urge you to make the time. I know that when you're stretched for time and money, it's hard to say "hey - I'm going to pay a babysitter so I can go to some AlAnon meeting!" But, I think it's probably one of the most important steps you can make in the journey to empowering yourself and your children. Don't make excuses. You can do it, and you can hold your head up high and be proud of your strength and follow-through abilities. Stand up! Take control of your life, and stack the deck in YOUR favor with some tools for you and your children.

You're in my prayers!