Wednesday, December 12, 2007

I'm Scared

There is really no other way to say it. I know that I am one of the lucky ones getting pregnant after our second IVF not counting all the ones before that got canceled. But somehow even though I put on a happy face to everyone IRL I still keep waiting for the bad news. Every doctor appointment I expect him to tell me there is no heartbeat, At the amnio I am sure we will find out the baby has some horrible problem. I just am finding it hard to believe we are going to have a real live take home baby come May. Tony says I am worse this time than I ever was with Terrell, I thought I was hiding it well from him to but I guess I am not the master of disguise I thought I was. With Terrell when I hit 12 weeks I went right out and bought something for him This time I just can not seem to do it. 2 separate people have given me things for this baby and the sit in my minivan, I am scared if I bring them in the house I will jinx us. Irrational I know but still they sit in the van. Maybe once I start feeling the baby move it will be easier for me to believe that all is ok but right now I go in about 2 week cycles. Everything is ok and then my mind starts up again I am thinking the worst. How do I get past these feelings? Will I ever get past them? Please tell me I am not the only one who feels this way. Maybe we can start a support group or something. It is really hard for my friends and family to understand as they have never had a problem getting pregnant. For them a positive HPT means a baby, for me I am not so sure anymore.

8 comments:

Delenn said...

I totally know what you are talking about. Not until the 18 week scan did I even relax about it. Before then, while I acted positive, I was really worried. Even now at 20 weeks, I keep worrying that something will go wrong. And I know the last time I was just so naive and innocent. Partially this is because of the IVF, etc. Partially because I am older (and wiser?).

All I know is that it took until the 18 week scan before I even thought about this being real and happening.

If you ever need me, you can shoot me an e-mail!

Jen said...

I think everyone with infertility feels this way. I go in cycles, too, and get the most anxious before a doctor's visit or test, because that's when you'll get the good/bad news. But the reality is that at this point in the game, the odds are on your side. At some point you just have to take a leap of faith.

*~*Cece*~* said...

Although I didn't have problems getting pregnant I was just as scared as you are with both of my pregnancies. Especially the first one. I was SO cautious, overly so. I just KNEW I would fall and lose the baby. Something would go wrong b/c how could I be so lucky, you know? But everything worked out & I've got two beautiful girls and life is good.

Easier said than done, I know, but try not to stress yourself too much. Everything will be fine, watch. {{hugs}]

Kidazy said...

I don't have any children yet so I cannot sympathize or tell you that everything is fine but I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Try to take it one day at a time hon, that is all we can do.

Sarah said...

i think we all feel that way after infertility. i didn't believe everything would be okay until a few days after she was born, but it did get a little easier as time went on. it doesn't help that IVF pregnancies seem to last an eternity, since you find out so early and start the process so far in advance.

Mrs. Schmitty said...

It is so normal to be feeling this way. Women who go through infertility can't believe when it has finally happened! To think you will bring home an actual baby is so hard to comprehend. You and the baby are doing great, you will be okay. Sending you happy vibes!!

Don Mills Diva said...

You are defnitely not the only one who feels this way. I battled to get pregnant too and when I did I was terrified something would go wrong. It's normal. Just take it one day at a time..

BTW - just discovered your blog and I'm really enjoying it

Lainey-Paney said...

I understand.
We lost a baby in July.
I imagine that I will be on pins & needles about every little thing when I get PG again.