Mothers

I think our families so much shape who we become but more than that our Mom's make us what we are. If that is true than I should be way more fucked up then I am. My mother left me and my sister when we were little, I mean no more than 5 or 6 for me sis would have been maybe 2. She just up and walked out leaving us with the babysitter. We had no contact with her for a long time. From her I believe I learned to run from my problems. Thanks Mother, that has taken years to stop doing. I believe that scarred me deep in my subconscious. I had contact with her again when I was a troubled teen, my Dad and step mom decided the best place for me was a psychiatric hospital because I was clearly crazy. You know let the step mom beat the shit out of your kids while you are too drunk to notice can certainly make them nuts. Thanks alot Dad, but that is a story for another day. So the woman who gave birth comes back into my life for a bit. Nothing was ever really said about her leaving us but I think deep down I knew she wishes we had not been able to find her. I get pregnant at 14, at this point I am living in a home from pregnant teens as a ward of the state. You would think I was taken away because I was being beaten regularly but no I was a ward of the state because my parents said they couldn't handle me and my running away. So anyway my Mother goes to lamaze classes with me and in with me when my son Brian was born. At some point the state was ready to let me live with my Mother, she told them I could go but my son was not welcomed in her home. WTF this is your first born grandchild, unreal. So that was the last contact I ever had with her. I have recently decided I want to get back in contact with her for two reasons, one to find out more of my medical history and two to tell her what I really think of her. I feel I need to at least write her a letter letting her know how I turned out and what a mess my life was for so very long. I have alot of skelatons in my closet and have done many things in my life that people would look down on me if they knew about it but for me it was all about survival, at any cost. I am happy that I came out the other end a stronger and happier person. I hope and pray everyday that I am a better Mom to Terrell than either of mine were to me.